10-minute task: can I transform this tube ad from meh to memorable?
A few months ago I was in London. As a professional copywriter, one of my Most Untherapisable Afflictions is obsessively reading and critiquing every tube advert I see on the London Underground. Sadly, I do this for fun. But also because my copywriter’s brain never truly sleeps. I’m always looking for swipe file ideas, or content ideas, or asking myself why something does or doesn’t work.
This time, I saw one particular tube ad at Elephant & Castle that was the true definition of word salad.
Behold... this advert from Zoho CRM for... well... what exactly?
Make it stand out
First, let's discuss the one-liner they've chosen to explain who they are: “The CRM with game-changing value.”
What in the word salad does that even say?
NOTHING. Nothing about the consumer, the product, the result, the benefit or – if all else fails – even something witty to make us smile on the platform.
“Game-changing” and “value” have to be the two most meaningless words in the marketing lexicon. So they really excelled themselves by using both in one sentence. Also… WHAT VALUE????
Not a single person in this world wakes up one day and goes on the hunt for game-changing value to improve their business.
They might wake up stressed about the day’s impending admin, wishing they had a way to keep track of leads, so they can stop chasing down invoices, proposals and email threads before 10am.
Or perhaps a system that stops them losing client documents in the abyss of their Downloads folder.
But never, ever, value.
Don't worry, though. “Value” is only used a total of three times across this ad's wordy real estate. Not only is it in the one-liner that's supposed to position the brand and grab attention, it's also *cries* in the headline!!!!!???? And being grabbed by some sort of arcade-style claw in the visuals (yet another cardinal sin of copy and design: don't simply show what you're saying when you've just said the same thing you're showing?!)
Dear reader, I weep.
And don't get me started on the acronyms. To know what “CRM” means, you first need to use a CRM system in your business or know that you need CRM in your business. (It means Customer Relationship Management, btw.) So, using the acronym already cuts out a huge proportion of your potential customer base, many of whom will be desperately in need of “something to organise and manage their customers so they don't lose track of them throughout their consumer lifecycle”... but won't know that's what the fck CRM is or does.
This ad is probably a classic example of a too-many-cooks situation. I can picture the poor copywriter sliding under the table as the initial good idea gets sanded down in rounds and rounds of feedback meetings, until it turns into “game-changing value”. Or, maybe they didn’t consult a copywriter at all. Which also tracks…
And look, it's all good critiquing. But you know what they say about critics... oh, you don't?
"Never pay any attention to what critics say. A statue has never been set up in honour of a critic!" — Jean Sibelius
"The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic." — Oscar Wilde
"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs." — Christopher Hampton
So I set myself a 10-minute timer and got to work: If I had the same brief from Zoho CRM to write copy for a pre-designed advert that would sit on the London Underground, what would I do?
Below, thanks to my mid skills in Canva, we have three options. Are they perfect? Hellll no. I refer you to my previous "10-minutes". But do they at least give a vague idea of what the product is for, and take into account where the ad will be seen? Yes.
Here are the three options I'd rustle up before dashing off to the pitch meeting, and why...
ONE: The "Knowledge Gap"/OPEN LOOP TECHNIQUE
I used the common warning heard by all London travellers, "mind the gap," to create an open-loop headline (where a gap in someone's knowledge is highlighted, creating intrigue). I then backed it up with qualifying copy explaining the core benefits of using their product. Note how I do not call it a CRM (customer relationship management). Because that's industry jargon and hardly anyone waiting to catch a tube knows what it means.
TWO: The Wild Card
Not sure I can ever apologise enough to the poor lady in the stock photo, but I just couldn't not pitch this headline when there are balls literally being grabbed. Would it get picked? Probably not, but it sure would get noticed. And if they're gonna lumber us poor copywriters with this lacklustre creative, what do you expect?
THREE: The Context-DependeNT
Probably the weakest of the three conceptually. I needed a bit more copy space for this one to land. But the idea was to run with the benefit of having automated systems working in the background and accessible anywhere, referencing the location in the copy.
Have to say, I found this really quite a thrilling task, which shows I'm probably in the right job. Which one's your fave?
As always, if you're word-salading whenever you talk or write about what you do... let me grab your business by the balls and figure out a better way of saying it.